


The Scent of Ozone & Honey

by KGe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Panic Attacks, Physical Comforting, S5E22 Divergent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 02:42:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5317463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KGe/pseuds/KGe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Swan Song Divergence, if Dean had asked Cas to stay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Scent of Ozone & Honey

by KayGe

 

Season 5 Episode 3 Free to Be You and Me

His last night on Earth and he still ends up as the gawky, naive angel.  Daddy issues?  Of course the girl has daddy issues.  The whole industry runs on daddy issues.  Dean couldn't help himself, he laughed until his sides hurt bending over at the waist as he clutched to Castiels shoulder.

"What's so funny?” Cas asked as he stood awkwardly beside Dean.

“Ah, nothing.” Dean let out a hurried puff of air.  “It's been a long time since I laughed that hard.”

They walked back to the Impala, Dean's arm resting across Cas' shoulder as he steered him towards the car.  He continued laughing.

“It's been more than a long time, years.” He stuttered out. 

The thought stuck with him as he drove back to the abandoned house on the outskirts of town they were squatting in.  He couldn't even remember at this point.  It had been so long since he'd been out on the town, just enjoying himself and the company he kept.  A small thought nagged at him; was it just being out or was it being with Cas? Doing something with Cas that had nothing to do with anything involving Heaven or Hell was nice.  It was more than nice if Dean were actually willing to admit that to himself.

They spent months together: Working on cases, trying to find a way to ice the devil and derail the Apocalypse.  Searching for God.  That didn't leave much room for nights out on the town.  Slowly over time Dean learned to trust him.  He became an extension of their family.  Sam and Dean and Cas against the holy host of Heaven and Hell.  As much as Dean and Sam laughed at his awkwardness, his naiveté, Dean also found solace in his dependability.  Much as it used to be with Sam.  Brief glimpses of what once existed with his dad, although that had really been more of a military relationship.  Following orders, never questioning.  Cas seemed to radiate grace as he would educate Dean in the history of his angelic family.  Equally Dean encouraged Cas' understanding of “people skills”, as he liked to call it.  They fit together.

 

Season 5 Episode 18 Point of No Return

Cas was gone, the Angels had Adam.  What was left of them? Dean thought as he was driving down the road. 

“You think Adams okay?” asked Sam defeated.

“Doubt it.  Cas either, but we'll get 'em” Dean hoped he sounded more assured than he felt. 

“So?” Sam probed.    

He could feel Sam watching him expectantly from the passenger seat.  He'd asked a question.  Dean was sure of it.  Some bullshit about destiny and taking the fight to them and Dean was left in his own head as Sam fell asleep. 

How could he even begin to track Cas down? Was he even still alive? How many times could an angel be vaporized in blinding holy light before they just couldn't come back?  How was he going to go on without Cas?

The sound of a trucks horn blared through the silence that had consumed Dean with this last thought.  He swerved back to his side of the road.  He needed Cas.  The realization struck him, as if he had been hit by the transport truck.  He needed Cas.  He'd only ever needed two people before in his life.  Sam and Dad, and they'd both died.  Was it irony that Cas could be dead as Dean realized just how much he needed him?  Or just the shitty outcome for everyone Dean had ever loved? He could never admit it out loud, but he loved him.  Cas had gone from being just another dick of an angel to his best friend. 

 

Season 5 Episode 22 Swan Song

Dean's heart was breaking into a thousand small pieces.  He'd watched Cas explode. Bobby's neck snapped.  Felt every bone in his body smashed from the sheer force of Lucifer's control.  But the most painfully gaping hole was the one in the ground that closed behind his baby brother as he fell into the cage, taking Lucifer and Michael with him into Hell.  He was numb; time seemed to stand still as he knelt on the ground.  His entire world gone. 

A shadow loomed over him as he turned to the sky

“Cas you're alive?” Disbelief clung to his voice.

“I'm better than that” Cas reached out and placed two fingers on Dean's forehead and healed all the physical wounds inflicted by his brother. 

Dean slowly rose “Cas are you God?” he asked in pure awe.

“That's a nice compliment, but no.”  The small traces of a smile tugged at the corner of Cas' lips. 

“Although I do believe he brought me back” he stated as he turned towards Bobby “new and improved."

“What are you gonna do now?” Dean asked a short time later from the front seat of the Impala.

“Return to Heaven I suppose,” Cas replied.

“Heaven?” Dean questioned.

“With Michael in the cage, I am sure it is total anarchy up there.”  Cas stared out the front windshield.

“So what? You're the new sheriff in town?” Dean asked in disbelief. 

A small chuckle escaped Cas' lips.  “I like that, yeah. I suppose I am.”

“Wow.  God gives you a brand new shiny set of wings and suddenly you’re his bitch again.”  Dean couldn't hide the hurt in his voice.  He masked it with contempt, but he couldn't fathom losing Cas again, not so soon.  Not after Sam

“I don't know what God wants” Cas looked pointedly at Dean.  “I don't know if he'll even return.  It just seems like the right thing to do.” 

The right thing to do?  Would that ever stop being the guiding force for this family?  How many times were they supposed to just do the right thing? When was it enough? When would God let them off the hook?  When did they get to think about themselves? Put their needs first?  Dean couldn't take it anymore, he was angry.  He had lost so much in the last few hours.  He was numb from the pain.  He needed Cas.  He loved Cas and he didn't want him to go back to Heaven.  He didn't care about the other angels, about their chaos or what it might mean for the rest of the world.  He needed Cas to stay.  He needed him, plain and simple and he was going to be selfish.  He slammed on the brakes and pulled the car over to the side of the road.

“Screw it Cas.  Screw Heaven.” He shouted at him.  “I need you.  I need you to stay with me.  You're all I have left.  I don't think I can do this anymore.” His voice cut out with those last words as he began to sob.

He leaned over as Cas turned his way, opening his arms to Dean.  He fell against his chest, soaking his shirt in tears as he sobbed.  Cas gripped tightly around his shoulders and back, pulling him closer into his chest.  Gut wrenching sobs turned to heart breaking tears and silence fell in the Impala as Dean exhausted himself.  He fell asleep folded into Cas' arms, who stayed with him until the light broke on a new day.  Dean breathed in the scent of ozone and honey as he stirred.  He willed himself to go back to sleep, but the rising sun reflected off the hood of the car and into his face.  His fists were still clenched tightly in Cas' coat and he gave a small squeeze before he pushed himself up off the angel and into a seated position.

“Morning” Dean mumbled as he stretched awkwardly in the confined space of the car.

“Morning” Cas replied tentatively.

A silence fell over the car.  How do you explain to an angel a nervous breakdown?

“So about last night....” Dean paused to collect his thoughts.

“If I am to understand correctly” Cas began as he turned towards Dean “you would like me to stay here on Earth and become a hunter?” Cas cocked his head to the side as he met Dean’s eyes.  “That is what you meant when you said you couldn't do this anymore?”

Dean grabbed onto Cas' misunderstanding.  He needed him, yes and if Cas chose to interpret that as needing a hunting partner than fine.  It would be a lot easier than explaining that he needed Cas to love him, to be his family, to keep him from joining his brother in Hell.

“Yeah, right, hunting.” Dean stuttered.  “Right, that would be good. But I need a little time first Cas.  Maybe a couple of weeks where we can just rest.  Maybe go fishing.  Someplace quiet and alone.  No people, no monsters, no other angels.”

He looked hopefully over at Cas who tilted his head inquisitively to the side.  God he looked so frick'n adorable when he did that.   When the hell did he start thinking of Cas as adorable?  Probably when he started admitting to the fact that he needed Cas. 

“I think I know just the place.”  Cas said as he reached over and gripped Dean's bicep.

“Dude warn me before we fly angel airways” Dean huffed as he staggered beside Cas.

“My apologies” Cas stated.  It irritated Dean to no end that he never swayed.

“Where are we?” Dean asked as he stared out across the lake. 

“A private lake in Northern Ontario.” Cas gestured for Dean to turn around.

Dean turned, and saw a small boat house and several boats stacked up on the racks.  He looked up the long hill to the giant cabin at the top. 

“It's perfect Cas.” Dean smiled before he remembered the events of yesterday.  Time standing still as Sam fell into the hole.  The ground swallowing before closing around him.  Dean collapsed to his knees on the dock.  He struggled to get air to his lungs, gasping for oxygen he clawed at his throat. 

Cas bent and rested a palm against Deans back.  He breathed easier as he gulped the air down and Cas rubbed soothing circles with his hand.  He let Cas gather him in his arms, rise slowly and begin the walk up the hill to the cabin.  If Dean could have found the presence of mind to examine his current position, he might have berated himself for being such a stereotypical damsel in distress.  But as it was he couldn't focus his thoughts, they were a blur of Sam and Lucifer and that damn graveyard.  His breathing slowed as he inhaled the honey and ozone sent that wafted from Cas as he effortlessly carried him through the main rooms of the cabin and into a bedroom. 

“Don't go.” Dean just managed to whisper out as Cas placed him on the bed.

“I won't be gone long,” Cas replied “I'll get supplies while you sleep” and he placed two fingers on Dean's forehead and ensured him a dreamless sleep.

When Dean woke hours later he found himself wrapped snugly under sheets and blankets that hadn't been there when Cas laid him on the mattress.  He glanced out the bay window to the darkness outside.   He dressed slowly from a large pile of clothes placed on the dresser.  Some looked new, but there were a couple of t-shirts Dean recognized from his duffel bag.  Cas must have made a stop at the car. He hoped briefly that Cas had had the sense to stash the car somewhere safe.  

He made his way out to the hallway and passed a bathroom on his way to what he assumed was the kitchen.  He followed the stench of burnt toast to guide his way.  This place was huge, Dean thought as he walked into the kitchen.  Giant fridge, restaurant style stove and grill top.  Two long narrow tables stretched out on the far side of the kitchen peninsula where Cas currently stood, leaning over a toaster.  Black smoke rose up from the toast burning in the slots and a rather large pile of burnt toast was stacked to his right. 

“Hey Cas, pop the toast man.” He suggested as he walked around to the other side of the kitchen island to face Cas over the toaster.

“Pop?” Cas questioned as he tilted his head to the side and scrunched up his forehead. 

Good God there it was again, that adorable head tilt, Dean thought as he reached over and pushed the button up on the toaster to launch the now very black bread up into the air.

“Why do you have this thing set so high anyway?” Dean asked as he dialed the knob back to the three. 

Cas stared at the dial as comprehension dawned on his face. 

“I didn't know what that was for” he replied and grabbed two more pieces of bread and dropped them into the toaster, depressing the button again. 

As Cas watched the toaster Dean grabbed the stack of burnt toast and walked over to the garbage can, opening its lid and throwing away the pile.  When he turned back, Cas proudly stood holding out a plate with two slices of toast.

“Would you like peanut butter?” Cas asked.

“Did you get any honey?” Dean inquired as he accepted the plate.

Cas turned to the cupboard and pulled out a small jar.  His smile was huge as he handed it to Dean and reached into the drawer to grab a spoon for him. 

Dean carried his plate and the honey over to one of the long tables and sat in the first of the chairs facing the lake.  Cas sat down across from him and slid the spoon across the table.

“Thanks Cas” Dean smiled weakly at him as he opened the jar and spooned out some of the honey and spread it across his toast.

Cas smiled and watched patiently as Dean ate his toast.  He managed to eat one piece before his chest tightened around him and he found it hard to breathe again.  Cas reached out across the table to his free hand and rubbed small circles over the top.  Deans breathing slowed and he looked back across the table into Cas' reflective face. 

“So what is this place?” Dean asked as he rose from the table and cleared his plate to the kitchen sink, throwing the second piece of toast in the garbage and replacing the honey in the cupboard.

“It's an old Hunting Lodge for a group of men,” Cas rose and followed Dean from the kitchen into the living area.  “Loon Lake, I believe it is called.  50 kilometers from the nearest town and over 3500 acres of private property.” 

Dean stared at the large collection of antlers and fish mounted to the walls.  A massive stone fireplace anchored one end of the room and an entire wall of picture windows framed the lake at the other end.  Couches, comfy chairs and card tables filled the room and a giant stuffed moose head hung in one corner. 

“It certainly is something” Dean whistled as he walked over to the windows.  He could just make out the dock and edge of the lake in the moonlight as clouds rolled across the sky.

“Yes, I thought it fit your description quite nicely, don't you?” Cas asked as he joined Dean over at the windows. 

“It's great Cas.  Thanks for finding this place.” He placed his hand gently on Cas' shoulder before he turned away from the windows and back towards the bedroom.

“If you don't mind too much Cas, I'm gonna go back to bed.” Dean called as he paused at the door to look back at Cas.

“Of course not Dean.  I am sure you are tired” Cas stated, rooted to the spot in front of the windows. 

“You'll stay, right?” Dean asked quietly as he stared down at his stocking feet, afraid of what Cas' answer might be.

“Yes Dean.” Cas replied and gestured to an enormous book shelf Dean hadn't noticed before.  “I will find something to read.”

Dean looked up meeting his eyes.  Cas could read the relief that washed over his body as he relaxed his tense shoulders, but his eyes were blank, dead of emotion and there was a small pull in the middle of Cas' chest that he couldn't explain as he stared back at Dean. 

Dean turned and walked out of the room, back towards the bedroom, removed his jeans and crawled back under the blankets and into the land of nightmares. At first he was back in the pit, Alastair torturing him on the rack, but when Alastair turned around to retrieve another weapon he grew in height and his hair lengthened.  Sam turned around and an evil smile painted his face as he began cutting into Dean over and over again.  Dean screamed and lashed out, kicking and pounding at thin air as two powerful hands reached out and clamped his arms to his sides pressing him back down to the bed. 

Dean opened his eyes to find Cas sitting beside him on the edge of the bed, leaning over and holding Deans arms pressed tight to his body.  The sweat poured off of Dean’s forehead and mixed with the tears as he began to sob and hyperventilate.  Cas reached behind his neck and gently lifted Dean to a seated position; he folded him into his chest again and ran soothing circles on Dean’s back as he sobbed into his shirt.  Dean's breathing slowly relaxed and the sobbing turned to silent tears again.  When his heart rate seemed to reach a steadier pace Cas lowered him back to the bed, resting his head against a pillow as he slowly pulled his hand out from behind Dean's neck.  He made to move off the bed.

“Stay with me?” Dean whispered without opening his eyes.

“As you wish.” Cas replied and stayed seated at the side of the bed.

A very small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.  Of course the angel would have no idea what that possibly meant, having no knowledge of  _The Princess Bride_ but the statement held so much weight for Dean that he couldn't seem to help it as he tangled his right hand into the fingers of Cas'  and pulled him down to lay on the bed.  Rolling to his side Dean pulled Cas' arm over with him and the Angel was forced to lie on his side with his chest pressed up to Dean's back.  Shifting into a more comfortable position Cas snaked his left arm under Dean's neck and pressed his face down into the top of Dean's head.  He risked a deep inhale of Dean's hair but the hunter had fallen quickly back to sleep.  If he had any more nightmares Cas couldn't tell as his breathing remained measured, his heartbeat steady until the morning came. 

Dean slept most of the next three days, waking briefly for a very small bite to eat or a beer and then making his way to the living room where he would stare longingly out at the lake before finding himself back in bed.  He screamed at night and Cas rubbed soothing circles along his back until his breathing returned to normal and Dean pulled him back down into the bed with him.  On the fourth evening, after drinking a beer on the giant porch looking out over the lake, Dean quietly rose and tugged Cas' hand until he followed him into the bedroom.  Dean stripped off his jeans, and then turned to the Angel and gestured for him to do the same, having convinced Cas to give up the suit, tie and coat for the more location appropriate attire of jeans and a t-shirt on the second day.  Cas removed his pants and crawled quietly into the bed behind Dean, snaking his arm under his neck against the pillow and the other wrapped tightly over his shoulder.  Dean wove his fingers into Cas' and turned his head slightly back and up to stare into those resonating blue eyes.  Dean's lips brushed briefly over Cas' in the dark before he turned back to stare out the bay window. 

Cas didn't know exactly what to make of this new sensation.  Dean’s lips were light and dry but he tasted like beer and he smelled of leather and salt.  It was a pleasant sensation and Cas wondered if it was because they shared a profound bond.  The humans seemed to call it love; Cas recognized it for its true form: soul mates.  As Dean's heart rate slowed and he slipped into sleep Cas contemplated what it might be like to kiss Dean again and he marveled away the hours till morning thinking about kissing Dean. 

Dean didn't mention the kiss the next day, barely acknowledging Cas in the morning until he'd made himself a cup of coffee. 

“How long can we stay Cas?” Dean asked hesitantly as he sipped from his cup.

“As long as you like Dean.” Cas replied, eying the dwindling pile of supplies.  

“I think I'm going to try fishing today.”  Dean looked out over the lake.  “Could you put a boat in the water for me?” He asked as he turned back to face Cas. 

“Of course Dean.  Is there anything specific you would like me to pick up in town while I restock?” Cas asked as he waved a hand towards the lake and a boat floated off the racks, flipped and landed calmly in the water next to the dock. 

“Uh, I'm not sure Cas.  I don't really feel like cooking.”

“That's okay Dean.  I found a cook book on the shelves in the living room.  Perhaps I will pick up the ingredients for a few of the recipes and try cooking them for you.”  Cas seemed excited by the idea of cooking and Dean didn't have the heart to tell him he really didn't feel like eating either.  So he smiled. 

“Sounds great Cas, just make sure I'm up when you try so you can ask me about anything in the kitchen before you burn the place down.”  Dean rose from the table and placed his mug in the sink.  There were never any dirty dishes around and he wondered if Cas washed them by hand or if he graced them clean and popped them back into the cupboard.

“Of course Dean.  I will be back shortly” and with that the angel blinked out of the room.

“God you suck at goodbyes Cas” he said to an empty room. 

Dean grabbed a quick shower before heading down to the lake.  Not that he'd been doing any physical work but after 4 days a body really started to stink. 

He gathered up a fishing pole from the few lines left in the small boat house, a life jacket and a net and deposited them in the row boat Cas had dropped in the water for him.  He supposed he should have asked Cas to procure some sort of a motor but Dean found two paddles and fit them into holes on the side of the boat.  He was just about to step in when he remembered bait.  He grabbed a spade from the boat house and walked over to a particularly damp patch of grass to start digging for worms.  He drove the hand trowel into the dirt and began to dig a small hole in the ground.  The vice grip tightened around his chest, he gasped for air as his lungs struggled to bring in oxygen.  Tears squished out as he closed his eyes and tried to will himself to breathe.  When he opened them the hole in front of him was huge and Sam was doing a slow motion fall into the ground.  He squeezed his eyes shut, gasping for air, folding over onto his knees, screaming in agony.  He couldn't breathe, he couldn't take in air and he choked on his screams.  Cas? Where was Cas?

As he thought it a hand reached out and placed itself firmly on his back, rubbing those tiny small circles.  He felt himself being tugged onto Cas' lap, the circles continued as his other arm wrapped around the front of him.  Engulfing Dean into the embrace, Cas leaned over his head folding in on him as he rocked slowly in place.  Dean sobbed until he was out of tears, exhausted and spent and Cas was placing him gently down on the bed, unfolding his legs a little and tucking the sheets and blankets around him.  Dean was too exhausted to question how they'd gotten up to the cabin and quickly fell back to sleep.  Cas watched over him for a few minutes, marveling at how beautiful this man could be while in the midst of the most emotional pain he'd known.  Cas reached out two fingers and placed them briefly against Dean's forehead ensuring a dreamless sleep.  He placed a quick kiss across Dean's lips before returning to the grocery store and resupplying the cabin. 

Dean didn't wake as Cas crawled into the bed with him, but he rolled onto his side and snuggled up against his chest.  Cas could feel his breath as it puffed out against his chest and flitted at the few hairs there.  It was a different sensation, one Castiel had never experienced before and he felt that small tug at the centre of his chest again, pulling him closer to Dean and wrapping his arms tighter around his body.  They folded in on each other and Dean tangled his legs around Cas'.  Cas wasn't sure if it was a particularly comfortable position but Dean slept on so he didn't try to adjust.  He found himself tracing the contours of Dean’s face with his eyes, memorizing the details and passed the time until morning counting the freckles scattered across his face. 

Cas had been praying when he felt Dean's lips brush against his chest.  He kissed him two, three times before he pulled back to stare up into his face.  Cas slackened his hold, but didn't let Dean out of his embrace. 

“That felt pleasant.” Cas stated factually.

“So does waking up to you.” Dean replied as he rolled out of Cas' arms and sat up in the bed. 

Cas wasn't sure how to respond, but Dean saved him the trouble as he leaned over and placed a quick kiss across his lips and climbed out of the bed. 

“Why do you kiss me Dean?” Cas asked.

Dean stalled as he dressed, slowly gathering his clothes and pulling them on he spoke up “I won't if it makes you uncomfortable.” 

“No, I find it pleasant.” Cas stared up into Dean's face finding it difficult to read his expression.  “But that wasn't my question.”

“I don't know Cas” Dean lied, how could he say it out loud?  I like the way you taste? I find you adorable? I need you? I love you?  None of it seemed right coming out of Dean's mouth.  Like it didn't fit.  Or maybe he was just too scared to lose him again so he wasn't going to think too long and hard about why. 

Cas seemed to accept the answer, so Dean walked out of the room and headed to the kitchen.

It took him another eight days to make it back down to the lake.  Dean rowed himself out to the centre.  Cas had procured some worms for Dean so he wouldn't have to dig in the dirt again.  It was draining; the physical exertion of rowing the small boat topped off by the mental and emotional exhaustion and Dean found himself asleep shortly after baiting his hook and dropping his line.  He was startled awake by a giant tug as his fishing pole threatened to fly from his hands.  He held his grip and began to reel in the line.  The fish put up a massive struggle and Dean patiently waited it out, giving some line and pulling it back in.  By the time he had reeled it in close enough to reach over the boat with the net Dean felt as exhausted as the fish.  He pulled in the net and dropped the fish to bottom of the boat.  He watched frozen in place as the fish gasped in the oxygen rich air, flopping away at the bottom of the boat.  As the fish gasped and chocked on its last breath Dean felt the familiar tightening of the vice grip around his lungs.  He felt like the fish at the bottom of the boat, gasping for air.  Only he felt the weight and pressure against his lungs as if he were submerged at the bottom of that lake.  He gasped and clawed at his throat, squeezing his eyes shut he bent at the waist and stuffed his head between his knees.  That only succeeded in bringing him closer to the dead fish and the smell sent Dean further over the edge and he began to hyperventilate.  He didn't think Cas would make it in time.

Just as he thought this the small circles began over his back and he felt himself sitting on a rocky surface, as he was pulled closer to Cas' chest and his arms encircled him in their protective cage.  Cas kissed the top of his head and Dean could just make out the words as Cas quietly sung  _Amazing Grace_ into his hair.  He held him tight long after the song ended and Dean breathed in the smell of ozone and honey as his heart rate slowed and he relaxed into Cas. 

He opened his eyes as he pulled away from Cas and squinted into the bright sunlight.  As he got his bearings back he discovered them siting on a rocky outcropping high above the lake.  The trees bordered the back side of the ledge and Dean could just make out his little fishing boat in the middle of their lake.  It hurt to think about the fish in the bottom of the boat.

“Hey Cas?” he asked quietly.  “Can you magic the fish I caught into a plastic ziploc bag into the fridge?  I hate to have killed the thing only for it to go rotten left at the bottom of the boat.”  Dean didn't know if Cas would care about something like that, but he wouldn't be able to go back out on the lake again if the fish stayed there. 

“Of course” Cas replied, as he flicked his wrist Dean saw the boat begin to make its way back to the dock. 

“It's beautiful up here Cas” Dean looked around at the clear sky and saw a loon fly across the lake and land in one of the bays. 

“Yes, very peaceful.  I often marvel at the small wonders of creation my Father has made over time.”  Cas stared off over the tree tops and into the distance.  Not for the first time, Dean wondered how Cas saw the world, if it was different from the way Dean saw colours or shapes.

“Do you wish to talk about anything Dean?  I have read that talking can often times help alleviate some of the pain when dealing with the death of a loved one.”  Cas stared deeply into Deans eyes.

“No, but thanks for offering Cas.”  Dean stared back and hoped that Cas could read everything Dean couldn't say within that space behind his eyes.  It just hurt too much to try and get the words out and Dean wasn't sure he could handle any more attacks today. 

“As you wish.” Cas replied as Dean entangled their fingers together and held them in his lap as he stared out over the lake. 

They sat on the outcropping looking out over the lake as the sun set.  Brilliant streams of colour streaked out from where the sun dipped behind the trees past the horizon and the sky lit with all the varying shades of pinks, oranges and reds that Dean could imagine.  He glanced over to Cas and was amazed by the beauty of the angel sitting next to him.  He seemed to radiate his grace as he marveled at the colours, in awe of their existence in the sky, as Dean marveled in awe at the existence of Cas.  He reached over and cupped his hand to Cas' cheek, turning his head to face him; he leaned forward and placed a slow and gentle kiss against Cas' lips.  Dean pulled Cas closer to him as his hand trailed down and around to the back of his neck, tilting his head, and deepening the kiss.  His tongue prodded against the space between Cas' lips silently asking for entrance.  Dean felt his way against the roof of Cas' mouth, across a cheek and curled against Cas' tongue as he explored the sensations of Cas' mouth.   He tasted of honey and Dean moaned softly as he wound his fingers through the hair at the back of Cas' head. 

Cas pulled back, “Did I do something wrong Dean?”  He asked sheepishly.

“What? No of course not.”  It took Dean a second to figure out why Cas might think this and he quickly reassured him. 

“No I liked it Cas.  I moaned because you taste good, I enjoyed it.”  He wasn't doing the best job of explaining this.  He forgot how easily Cas seemed confused by human emotions and subtleties. 

“Was it okay that I did that? I mean was it okay for you?” Dean asked quickly, hoping he hadn't crossed some line and made the Angel uncomfortable. 

“Yes Dean.  I found that very pleasant.”  He replied squeezing Dean's fingers.

 “You taste like beer and.....” he tilted his head to the side trying to think of the last sensation.  “Peanut butter.”

Dean chuckled as he rose to his feet pulling Cas' arm up with him until the Angel stood. 

“Come on, let’s get back and I'll teach you how to clean a fish and fry 'er up.”  Dean pulled Cas into a hug, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist waiting for the knot to form in his stomach as Cas flew them back to the cabin. 

Cas insisted he could have done a much quicker job of cleaning the fish that actually would have been clean and not so bloody had Dean let him.  But Dean insisted that this was a part of fishing and if you're going to be the one to catch it, you're going to be the one to clean it.  Up in the kitchen he showed Cas how to filet the fish, though he did allow Cas to use his grace to make sure he'd gotten all the bones.  He taught him how to use the gas elements of the stove and pan fry the fish in a little butter and oil, stressing the importance of not letting the fish burn or stick to the pan.   Dean plated the fish and grabbed two forks, handed Cas two beers, and motioned him out to the living room.  The temperature had dropped enough that Dean felt comfortable making a quick fire and settling down in front of it to eat their dinner.  Cas didn't eat much of the fish, though he insisted that it tasted amazing, not nearly as much like molecules as other foods he'd tried to eat.  Dean was starving so he easily polished off the remaining fish and finished his beer slowly as he watched the fire. 

A little while later he could feel Cas watching him, he turned and smiled as he laced his fingers through Cas' and climbed off his chair and straddled Cas' lap.  Cas closed his eyes and leaned back into the chair as Dean wove his fingers through his hair, tugging a bit as he leaned in and claimed Cas' lips with his own.  This kiss was different to the others.  There was more pressure, Dean seemed a little more forceful and hurried as he tongued his way into Cas' mouth and he pressed his chest down tight against Cas'. 

Cas didn't know what to do with his hands, so he placed them on Deans back and began to massage them up and down.  Dean moaned into his mouth and pressed tighter against his chest.  Cas remembered that Dean had said that sound meant he had enjoyed that, so Cas continued to explore Deans back with his hands, massaging into the muscles.  Cas caught a finger in the hem of Dean's shirt and it slid up his back as the rest of Cas' fingers grazed against Dean's bare skin.  Dean moaned deeper into Cas' mouth still prodding at his tongue and Cas felt a sudden knot forming on the inside of his stomach as he felt Dean grow harder where his pants pressed up against the outside.  Dean cut off the kiss and grabbed the hem of his own shirt and pulled it up and over his head, throwing it to the floor.  He looked back sheepishly as Cas' eyes wondered the contours of his chest.  Cas' hands traced to the front of Deans chest and he grazed his fingers slowly over every inch of Dean's muscles watching as the infinitesimal changes occurred in temperature on Dean's skin and memorizing every inch exposed to him. 

Not that Dean minded the attention to detail or the way he could feel Cas' eyes caressing his skin like a second pair of hands.  But Dean missed the taste and feel of Cas' lips, so he leaned back into Cas blocking his view as he claimed his mouth.  Cas' hands returned to Deans back and Dean began to trail kisses along Cas' jawline.  He sucked softly over each spot until he reached the juncture between Cas' jaw and neck, just below his ear, where he concentrated his kisses.  Cas moaned into Dean's ear ensuring Dean knew he was enjoying that particular area of attention and he could feel a growing and tingling sensation move from his pelvis out to the very tips of his fingers and toes and along the shaft of his penis.  Cas had never felt this sensation before as he hardened against Dean. 

Dean could feel Cas' erection growing to match his own and Dean slightly rose off Cas to push back down and grind them against each other. Dean moaned into Cas' neck.  He could feel Cas shiver against him and begin to shake under the weight of his chest pressed up against him.  He leaned back off Cas but in doing so inadvertently ground down again against their erections and he could see the look of terror in Cas' eyes as he shook under Dean. 

“Hey.” Dean spoke softly to catch Cas' attention.  “Are you okay?”

“I don't know Dean.” Cas replied honestly looking into Dean's eyes.  “I've never felt these sensations before.  I don't know what it means when our bodies do these things.” 

Cas looked lost and innocent and Dean realized he was absolutely in love with this Angel.  He had no desire to rush forward into anything, or force anything on Cas that he wasn't ready for.  And he felt incredibly patient and calm about talking to Cas about it.  Something he had never done with any of his previous dates. 

“It's okay Cas.  We can take things really slow.  Any time you're not sure of something or want to stop, you just say the word.  I'm in no rush.  I'll wait for you.”  Dean scooted off to the side, so he was no longer straddling Cas, but was sort of wedged beside him in the chair with his legs up across Cas' knees.  

“Let's start with something you have really liked so far and are comfortable with already.” Dean suggested as he reached down to grab his shirt.

Cas titled his head to the side in that adorable way that was making it very difficult for Dean to keep to what he'd just said.  He thought about all the things they'd done so far together and which he didn't have any questions about. 

“That's hard Dean.”  he stated.  “I think I have liked everything we've done, I just have a lot of questions regarding much of it.” 

Dean chuckled to himself and gazed fondly up in the Angels face. 

“Well what is the first thing we did together that you would like to repeat?”  Dean asked, trying to narrow it down. 

“Do you mean ever? Or just this week?” Cas asked

This time Dean chuckled out loud. 

“Let's narrow it down to just this week Cas.” Dean smiled

“I really enjoy holding you while you sleep” Cas stated obviously. 

“Okay then” Dean stood up and tugged Cas up and towards the bedroom. 

This time Dean stripped down to just his boxers before he crawled into bed.  Cas, copying, did the same and crawled in after him.  He wrapped his arms tightly around Deans and kissed the top of his head, inhaling deeply the scent of leather and salt.  Dean tangled their legs together beneath the covers as his heart rate slowed his breathing steadied and he drifted off into a pleasant sleep. 

Not requiring sleep, Cas recalled the events of the evening trying to decipher their meanings and his ever growing emotions when it came to this new level of intimacy.  He knew he loved Dean, he enjoyed kissing Dean and felt a strong pull towards him as they connected through touch but he wasn't sure what it all meant. 

He decided to follow Sam and Deans examples when hunting a creature they'd never come across before.  Research.  He would research relationships and physical intimacy and try to figure out what he was feeling.  So Cas summoned book after book from the closest library and read quietly by the light from the moon, curled up next to Dean. 

Many books described the physical sensations and physiology of the human body during sexual activity and Cas now understood what had happened when he and Dean were pressed against each other in front of the fire.  It was a body’s natural reaction to stimulation but what he didn't understand was what caused the body to be aroused.   He decided he needed to be less scientific and more philosophical.  He summoned psychology books and self-help relationships books and even found some graphic novels that depicted sexual activities.  Cas found some of the information very confusing and couldn't even begin to make heads or tails of what the characters were depicting.  Some of the pictures were quite informative but involved male and female characters and Cas wasn't sure how they might apply to two male figures.  He managed to find some more descriptive books and graphics for two males in a larger library's collection in a much bigger town.  They were much more informative and Cas made some mental notes to attempt them with Dean if the opportunity arouse.  Many of the books stressed intimacy and taking things slowly before rushing into sexual intercourse and Cas decided he would be very comfortable with this approach.  He resolved to make mention of this in the morning to Dean, perhaps he would make a small token of his affection and make Dean a proper breakfast.  He found a recipe for pancakes and quickly summoned the ingredients to the kitchen as he returned all but two of the books to their rightful sections in the library.  He snuggled in closer to Dean and breathed in deeply, before climbing out of bed to begin in the kitchen.

Dean felt the sun streaming through the window pane as he reached out across the bed.  Opening his eyes he felt a brief moment of panic rise in him as he realized Cas was missing.  Did he regret what had occurred last night? Did he understand what Dean meant when he said he would wait? Take it slow?  As he rolled out of bed and began to pull on his clothes, the smell of bacon wafted in through the open bedroom door calling him towards the kitchen. 

Dean could not suppress his smile at the sight before him.  It would appear that Cas had commandeered every available bowl in the kitchen.  He was wearing a white frilly apron and yet was still covered in a cloud of flour as he held one mixing bowl, stirring as he leaned over reading a recipe.  The grill was on, the bacon frying and a bowl of blueberries balanced precariously on the edge of the counter.

“Good morning Cas! What's for breakfast?” Dean asked as he walked over to stand beside him and peer into the bowl.

“Pancakes, I think.” replied Cas as he frowned at the recipe.

Cas looked up from the recipe, smiled at Dean and gave him a quick peck on the lips.  A good sign, Dean thought, which must mean Cas wasn't regretting anything. 

As Dean made himself a cup of coffee Cas finished the batter and poured four medallion size circles onto the grill.  He then flipped the bacon and went back to reading the instructions for the pancakes.

“Wait to add the blueberries until after you've flipped them Cas, or they'll make a mess of the grill,” suggested Dean as he grabbed Maple syrup out of the fridge. 

“Thank you Dean,” replied Cas absently still reading the instructions.

Dean had to admit they were some of the best pancakes he'd eaten.  Pretty good for a first time as he practically licked his plate clean of the maple syrup.

“Great job Cas, what made you decide to make such a fancy breakfast?” Dean took a gulp of his coffee.

“I did some research last night while you slept and the consensus was that you should make a nice breakfast for a person after you've slept with them.  I did not realize this as you have been sleeping with me for the last couple weeks and I thought I should rectify the situation.”

Dean choked on his mouthful and sputtered coffee across the table, laughing and trying to stem the flow. 

“What is so funny Dean?” Cas asked as he tilted his head to the side, confusion setting in and a slow hurt creeping up his eyes.

Dean immediately stopped laughing.  “Not funny Cas, I'm sorry.”  He apologized.  “Breakfast was great, and it was really thoughtful and nice of you to do something so nice for me.”  So eloquent Dean.

“I still don't understand why you laughed?” Cas pursued.

Dean sighed.  “Just your use of the term slept together.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck, a slight pink of embarrassment painting his cheeks.  “It's just when people say that they usually mean after sex.”   He looked up to see as comprehension wiped Cas' confusion away. 

“Oh, intercourse,” he stated matter of factually.  “That is confusing, sleep is sleep.  Sex is intercourse.  What do you call it when people just fall asleep together?” He asked patiently waiting for Dean's response.

“Ah, yeah, I don't know.” Dean shrugged.

“Sharing a bed?” Cas suggested.

“Na, that usually means sex too.”  Dean sighed.  “When it comes to two adults and a bed, it mostly just means sex Cas.”  Dean cleared his dishes and began filling the sink with soap and water.

Cas felt this was a pretty good lead into his research from last night and he rose to dry the dishes as Dean washed. 

“So does us sharing a bed mean that you would like to have intercourse with me?” Cas asked cautiously, eyes adverted. 

Dean almost choked on air this time and stared at the incredibly bold Angel who wouldn't meet his gaze.  Did Dean want to have sex with Cas? It certainly felt nice to be physical with him.  It seemed to be heating up significantly last night in front of the fire.  He'd never felt so safe and secure asleep in someone's embrace before. 

Cas watched the water and soap pool on the floor at Dean's feet as his hands dripped over the side of the sink.  Was his research wrong? Was he mistaken in his inferences?  Is this not what Dean's physiological reaction indicated last night in front of the fire?  A sense of panic began to bubble up Cas' throat. 

“Yes Cas,” Dean replied softly, clearing his throat.  “But is it what you want?”

Cas looked up and saw the fear and vulnerability in Dean's eyes.  All of his research could not have prepared him for such an exhilarating feeling as this.  He stared in awe at Dean.

“Yes,” Cas replied and was met with the most brilliant of smiles as soap soaked hands pulled him close for a kiss. 


End file.
